Another awesome prompt from Mama Kat has me looking at my biggest girl, in all her wonderful glory and think about what she has given me and she she has shown me or basically, as the prompt says:
List 6 things you’ve learned from your oldest child
I’d be doing my beautiful girl an injustice if I left the list as singular points, so excuse me whilst I ramble.
Jessamy has taught me everything I know about motherhood (1). I wouldn’t have known I wanted children without her, I didn’t crave children or even know I’d like them. Without her I wouldn’t know what motherhood was like and though I’m not saying another child wouldn’t have happened, it is my Jess who has shown me what motherhood is, although if you asked me to explain it I couldn’t.
Jessamy has taught me how much the sound of my own voice annoying me (2). Since time began I have been a talker, my mum has told me so but before Jess was here the time I was able to yammer on and on was limited to when other people were about (I do have some sense of normality). Bus journeys would be spent in silence but now, and since she came along, I have talked and talked and talked and talked. I have talked when she doesn’t want to be talked to (“Stop talking TO ME Mummy”). I am pretty annoying and can understand where my mum was coming from…
Jessamy has taught me fear (3). Nothing I ever feared before comes into comparison. Keeping her and her sister safe is my prime concern at all times, as they grow older I know this fear will have to be curbed. At the moment things such as train platforms, road sides and stairs are pretty much governed by fear that I hadn’t felt for a long time. It’s not a bad thing though, it sounds it, but it’s more protective, I hope.
Jessamy has taught me that reading and singing aloud is OK (4). Hell, you’ll find me singing in the street if it makes her happy and before I wouldn’t even sing in the same room as someone I knew well. Obviously I can’t sing and I hate reading aloud with an absolute passion but for my girls, I’ll do anything. They’re a great excuse for all sorts of things I shouldn’t really do or say or think.
Jessamy has taught me love (5). Yes, the cliche, the one everyone expects but there is nothing like it. Have a baby, through whatever means works for you, and they steal every inch of your heart for an immeasurable amount of time. I’m not blinded by it, it didn’t hit me the second I met her, I’d be lying if I said that but it grew and it grew quickly and hasn’t stopped growing.
Jessamy has taught me she is her own person, there’s nothing I can do about that (6). Whenever I thought about children (not very much) in the past, there was a sense that I could create small versions of myself (well, pick out the best bits) and nurture them to do everything I would have liked to do. This is crap, this is the wrong way to think about a new person who will develop their own hopes and dreams. Although it makes me wince if my kid wants to have (several) Disney princess bags and call herself a princess I have to allow it a little and swallow down the bile that comes with it. She’ll grow up to be who she wants to be and I’ll respect her in that, whatever it may be.
That’s my girl.